The (bumpy) Road to Your Happily Ever After

 This quote by C.S. Lewis is one of my favorites. I’ve always liked it but in the last few years, it’s developed new meaning for me. Now, don’t think that I’m being arrogant. Yes I’ve had some “character building” moments but I want to make two things very clear.

1.       I realize that just because I’ve faced some trials that have been extremely difficult for me doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m destined for greatness. And besides, greatness can mean many different things to different people. A teacher who gets paid very little but works hard to make lasting impressions on the children in her class, in my opinion has achieved greatness. There are many other examples, but you get the idea.

2.       I also fully and completely recognize that there's always someone who’d love to trade their trials for mine. We’ve all faced death, sadness and loss of some kind. As bad as it may seem at the time and no matter how big my pitty party is, I know there’s someone who’s suffered more than I have.
 

It’s my belief that our trials neither make nor break our destiny. I believe it’s HOW we respond to those challenges that determines whether we go on to greatness or not; whether we grieve, learn, adapt and emerge stronger and more determined, or simply get by day to day or even worse, never recover and become a shell of the person we once were.

I know of people who've  gone through things in their life which would probably have crippled me. I respect them for being able to get out of bed in the morning at all. I realize sometimes that’s the best we can do. I get it, or at least I’ve tried to understand. However, there’s another group of people who are able to face their challenges in a different way. Their goal isn’t to survive their trial, but rather to conquer it! To learn from it, to look inside themselves and, like a caterpillar, emerge from the cocoon of their tragedy a bigger, better, stronger “caterpillar” of determination. Armed with the knowledge that they might get pummeled and might doubt themselves for a time, but that in the end, they’ll survive and even persevere.

I think people who are greatly tested AND respond as I’ve described above, MUST be rewarded. Call it justice, Karma, or blessings from the Lord, whatever you want, I think it’s the truth. Maybe I still believe in a universal Santa Claus. You know, if you’re good all year, it’s only fair that you have presents under the tree kind of thing? Perhaps I just have blind faith? I don’t think so though. See, I’ve read too many books by people much smarter than me who believe the same thing. And more importantly, I’ve seen it over and over again in my life and in the lives of others.  

In my humble opinion there is a huge section missing from many stories and movies about people who’ve had trials or great difficulties. Many of them skip past the part where the individual doubts themselves, want’s to quit, believes it’s unfair, is full of rage and anger, etc… I think too many shows fast-forward past that part. You get the old, “within six months, John Smith had recovered from complete devastation and was happily married, had a baby on the way, and millions in the bank.” Don’t get me wrong, that’s very inspiring and I used to love those movies and stories. However, since I’ve experienced a few challenges now, my weakness are much more evident. I thought I was stronger, I always thought I’d bounce back like those people who used to inspire me, but that hasn't been how I've felt while going through my challenges. 
However, as I've gained some perspective, I’ve recently realized that perhaps I am just as strong as those people. Perhaps you are too. Maybe we’re just in the part of the story that was skipped when they made the movie and before we know it, we’ll be living our happily ever after?

The point is that if you’re struggling, if you look in the mirror with disappointment, if you marvel at how “they” can do it when you’re still harrowed with guilt or sorrow or remorse or anger or whatever it is that plagues you, here’s the reality; you are so much stronger than you think. Everyone else who has faced your trial is probably struggling just as much as you are, you just can’t see it. You don’t see them when they lose control and completely breakdown. That part is most likely not shared with you.

Here’s the other reality; You don’t know about the conversations people have about YOUR strength. You don’t see the looks of disbelief from others when you pass. You don’t hear the whispers of praise at the inspiration you are to them. You have no idea, but I promise you it’s happening. All you know is how hard it feels to you, but all others see is your strength.

I used to think I was weak because of my need to read inspirational books to keep my attitude up. If I don’t, my positive outlook fades fairly quickly. I’m like a bucket with holes in the bottom. I have to constantly refill my mind with positive affirmations, quotes and inspirational stories. Now, over the last two years, I’ve had two surgeries on my left knee. It’s all but healed now and I can do most everything I could before the injury. However, as I rehabilitated it, I quickly became aware of just how much strength, flexibility and endurance I’d lost. I liken this experience to my attitude. Just as my body lost strength without constant exercise, my positive attitude suffers and declines without frequent feeding.    

I viewed my need for constant “feeding” as weakness my entire life. It wasn’t until a person came into my life who saw and pointed out these things, that it occurred to me (yes, I’m that slow). She saw perseverance where I saw weakness. She allowed me to give myself some credit. She showed me that this isn’t weakness, it’s self-awareness, and she was (as usual) 100% correct! A world champion weight lifter or runner isn’t weak because they have to constantly train to keep their level of strength or endurance. They are winners! They are champions who know what they have to do to keep on winning and they do it day-after-day. They train when their sick, or tired or don’t feel like it. I now see my determination to keep a positive outlook. I recognize that in some small way, I’m like those champions, in that I see what I want to accomplish and do what is required to achieve my goal.  

My hope is that as you read this post, your reaction was “duh,” or you thought to yourself something like “thanks for pointing that out Captain Obvious.” That would make me so happy. I hope that you’ve given yourself credit for your strength and fortitude your entire life. BUT… if you happen to relate with some of the things I’ve thought or felt about myself, then I hope you’ll begin to recognize just how much stronger you are than you think. It’s not arrogance to see and recognize your tenacity and resolve. Take a step back and look at how far you’ve come. And most importantly, if you’re currently struggling to even keep your head above water... you can do it.

A great man told me something when I was really struggling and lacking faith. He said, “If you don’t believe that you’re strong enough to handle this trial right now, I want you to know that I have 100% faith that you CAN. And if you need to borrow that faith for a while, then do it.” Those were priceless words to me at the time. When I felt like giving up, I remembered his words and it gave me hope. It’s not weakness to “borrow” someone else’s faith in you for a while if you have to.

Lastly, remember that almost all the people who’ve achieved great things, at one time or another felt just like you do right now. As long as you don’t give up, you’ll get there and come out better and more resilient than you were before. You can be a champion too. You have it in you and you’ll find it when you need it most.

In the immortal words of Doree the fish, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

Until next time…  

Annie

This blog was difficult for me to write and it took me a long time to decide whether or not to actually post it. In fact, I'd made the decision not to, but then something happened yesterday that changed my mind. I must warn you, this post is deeply personal and borders on TMI. I won’t apologize for that. The reality is that it’s probably more for me than for you, but if you keep reading, remember, you were warned.

You see, very recently a dear friend was killed in a car accident. Her name was Annie. In reality, she was so much more than a friend. I was head-over-heels in love with her. We’d been dating for almost a year and she was a very special person in my life.

As a single father of four amazing kids, it had been difficult to date again. After a failed marriage of almost fifteen years which ended in a cloud of betrayal, my self-worth was non-existent. My life had been turned upside down in a flash and my situation had gone from what I’d always wanted, to flat-out depressing. Without going into a pitty party, let’s just say I was at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life.

Picture courtesy of J K Broadwell

A long year later, I met Annie. She was full of life, a perfect balance of fun and reality, and a person who made everything better just with her presence. She was someone who told you what she thought and didn’t sugarcoat anything, yet had an unbelievable ability to make you feel as though you were the most important person in the entire world. She was beautiful inside and out and I instantly fell in love with her.

In time, she was introduced to my children. They also fell prey to her infectious personality and almost overnight, she became an incredibly important person to them as well. She was at any and all sporting events, dance competitions or recitals and loved them unconditionally. Annie was the kind of person who made you feel special on an everyday basis, always doing the little things to make sure you knew how much she loved you.

Picture courtesy of J K Broadwell

I could go on and on about the kind of person Annie was but I’d never be able to do her justice. No, she wasn’t perfect but she was pretty darn close. An example of her unselfishness was one of her final acts here on earth. Two days before her death, she excitedly told me that she’d just made arrangements to pay a large percentage of a church mission for a young man who wanted to go but couldn’t afford it. It was a lot of money but she was so thrilled to pay for something she believed in so much. Annie was the happiest when she was serving others.

And then there was yesterday. See, my birthday was three days ago. Well, yesterday when I got home, I found a package on my doorstep. The name on it was Annie though the address was mine. When I opened it, I found that it was a birthday present she'd ordered for me weeks ago. It was an Atlanta Falcons t-shirt (my favorite football team). There was also a personalized message on the shipping slip that said, "Hey Babe, I know you'd never actually buy anything for yourself so I have to do it for you. Just say thanks and enjoy. Happy Birthday. Love you always, Annie." Of course, this was an extremely emotional experience that I won't go into detail about. I will say that it was precious to me. Annie had mentioned a few weeks prior that she'd bought something for me but I'd forgotten all about it after her death. 

Photo courtesy of J K Broadwell

Receiving that package was a bitter sweet experience. Annie's gone and she still found a way to make me feel loved. Yesterday was a reminder of the beautiful person who is no longer in my life, however I wouldn't trade it for anything. Leave it to Annie to find a way to comfort me and make me smile even after her death.    

I don’t know why she was taken from this world but I take comfort in the knowledge that I’ll see her again. I believe she was put into my life and the lives of my children at the time when we needed her most. Yes, I wish things had ended differently. I wish she was still a phone call away. I wish I could still kiss her and wrap my arms around her. I miss her insights and advice (Lord knows, I need them). Annie was wise beyond her years and always offered a completely different perspective from my own (yes, she was usually right).

I’m sure many of you have known people that you felt were placed in your life at precisely the right time. Hopefully, they weren’t taken away from you. Perhaps they either faded when they were no longer needed, or better yet, maybe they’re still in your life. I’d love to hear about those special people in your life and how they affected it.

Have you ever had someone love and accept you unconditionally? Ever had a person in your life who had complete faith and confidence in you? Someone who made you feel as though you could do anything just by looking at you? If so then you've had your own personal "Annie" in your life. If you'd like, please tell me about them. People like that need to be shared. 

I do know I’m a better person for having known Annie. She restored my belief in many things including myself. She made me a better father and friend and allowed me to love again. I’ll always be grateful to her and to the Lord for blessing my life with her, even if it was only for a short time.

Annie will be missed by many, but my children and I will always have a special place in our hearts for her.

 

Picture courtesy of J K Broadwell

 

In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Until next time…